| A monumental email to my Papa |
[04 Dec 2007|02:35pm] |
This is a big day for me. My one year anniversary with KP. It's also the day that I've decided to come clean to my grandfather about how I've felt about our whole family situation in the past year. He has no idea. He thinks I'm peachy king about everything. Anyway, this should explain it...
I hear you were too scared to ask me to email you? You had to run to my mommy? Shame shame Papa!
This is my new email address, and here's what's going on in my life.
In school, I have placement tests to take and registration to go
through before January when the semester begins. I'm excited, I'm
scared, but I'm gonna do it.
I'm looking forward to doing the usual rounds for the holidays, but not
really looking forward to all that travel time. So exhausting!
My mind is doing well, I've been having trouble getting a regular sleep
schedule and motivating myself to leave the house, but that's changing.
Day by day I do a little more, and it feels good. I have a
psychiatrist who specializes in ADD/ADHD and he's been a great help.
I'm also gonna get ADD assistance at school so I'm not taking too much
on at once.
Today marks the one year anniversary of my relationship with KP. I
don't know if you've talked to my mom about this, but I may as well
tell you as it's pretty much concrete. This is the man I'm going to
marry Papa. I can't wait for you to meet him. Alexia gets to meet him
in December, because he'll be flying over for new years/my birthday and
she'll be visiting. After January, KP will go back home, get all his
ducks in a row, and we're planning to have him move here by spring.
It's very exciting!
I think that's all that's going on really. I'm volunteering here and
there for various theater programs and I've become more and more
interested in older films. I kinda wish Ami was still around so we
could watch TCM together. I still think about her every day.
Alright so I was going to keep this email short and light but I have to
just come out and tell you everything I'm going through. I have been
distant from you in the past year. You and I have such a special
relationship, and I love you so much. But just like everyone else in
the family, my whole world was rocked with Dorothy. I've waited so
long to approach you about this because it wasn't fair to Dorothy who
was just enjoying her time with you and trying to get into a new
family. I understand the kind of pressure she was under, and wasn't
going to judge before I met her. Now that I've met her, I think she's
wonderful. She fits in with the family well, and she's adorable in my
eyes. I still look through the Broadway book she gave me, and I
absolutely love it. Now, I'm about to be very frank and raw, so just
please bear with me. I'm not good at expressing how I feel, and I feel
bad that I'm doing it through email, but it's the only way I'll have
the courage.
Here's how I see it: Ami first got sick when I was still very young,
around 96 I think? So I was 9 at that point. From that point on all I
saw was devotion and love from you. I can't tell you how many times
all of us were smiling because we saw that love can last after 30+
years together. The more the years progressed, the sweeter you became
to Ami, no matter how bitter her tongue got. I think this is why I was
alright at the memorial service. The only time I cried was seeing you
crying, because I knew that you had given her everything and she had
left the world with all the love she could possibly get, from every
possible direction. This is a very comforting thought, and I can only
wish I'll be so lucky when my time comes. Ami was the first death of
someone close to me. It was my first real encounter with death, that
directly affected me. At first it was surreal, then a few months
passed and I received a call from you. This is when you told me you
were dating Dorothy. I was so happy for you, I was so terrified of you
being alone and that everything I loved about your personality would
disappear. But as soon as we hung up the phone, the tears started
flowing. I had no idea why at first, but then I realized Ami was
gone. She was really gone. I had just then come to terms with her
death and you had already moved on.
From there everything just kept pushing forward. I will always support
you and love you no matter what, but the marriage announcement came as
a shock to my system. I was fine with you dating, that was great, but
you weren't going to be Ami's husband anymore. From my naive point of
view, I saw that you loved Ami with all of your heart for so long and
then poof, it was gone. I hadn't even met this Dorothy, didn't really
know anything about her, and you were marrying her. I can't lie to you
Papa, I felt abandoned. Like, now that Ami's gone, you can move on,
and the rest of the family just has to go with it. It all moved so
fast, and one day your invitation to the wedding came in the mail. I
cried for the rest of the day. I guess I wasn't ready, and I wasn't in
touch with my feelings at all. Everyone else was so shocked by the
whole situation I tried to just stay neutral and be supportive of
everyone.
You have to understand that Ami and Papa was a title to me, a staple.
You two were together, not really independent people. Now it was going
to be Papa and Dorothy, and that really was difficult for me. I did
have midterms and tests and a whole lot of stress when your wedding
date came around, but I would be lying if I said I was disappointed I
couldn't go. Papa, there is no way I could have made it through that
wedding with a smile. I love you so much, you mean the world to me.
You understand me in a way no one else in the Hemingway family does.
We have a completely unspoken bond and I cherish it more than you could
ever know. You got married at the same church that Ami's memorial was
in, and her urn was right outside. She was right there. When you
asked me to sing at the wedding, back when I thought I was still going,
I thought of standing in the same spot where I sang "Amazing Grace" for
Ami. I was absolutely fine, and then I looked at you, you were crying,
and I lost it. How could I stand in the same spot and sing about your
new love with Dorothy? I felt like I would be betraying Ami, spitting
on her grave. I could almost hear her yelling at me, like she was
going to kick my ass if I pulled a stunt like that. I love that she's
still in my conscience.
After that things got easier, but when it came time for me to finally
meet Dorothy, I wasn't ready. It turned out to be easier than I
expected, but seeing a brand new wedding ring on your finger killed
me. It's so shiny and new, it's very noticeable. Dorothy reminds me a
lot of Ami, and I think that was a bit unsettling as well. I know
you're not trying to replace Ami, but I couldn't help but notice the
similarities. Honestly though, with all of my heart, I think she's
wonderful. None of my feelings have been ill towards her, just the
circumstance and timing. I am happy to welcome her into our family and
look forward to a lot of good times in the future. I say that with all
sincerity.
Things seem to be settling, and I feel like it's finally time to
approach you about this. I just feel like we can never be the same
buddies we've always been if I keep holding it in. I've been bitter,
I've resented you, and I've gone through quite the emotional roller
coaster about this. But you're my Papa, you always will be. This
doesn't change how much I love you. I have to say it changes the way I
saw your relationship with Ami a bit, but that may be because I've
matured and can see things I never saw before. I want you to know the
person I'm becoming, because I'm very proud of who I am. I'm afraid I
couldn't do that if I wasn't completely honest with you.
I really really love you Papa. You still have the key to my heart.
Jenny
Powered by ScribeFire.
|
|
| HA! |
[02 Nov 2007|11:03pm] |
Cue looney tunes music
My blog is buxyfinds.blogspot.com
Kinda need that in order to check it out huh?
Powered by ScribeFire.
|
|
| Love me? |
[02 Nov 2007|11:00pm] |
Okay so I'm going to try something extremely trendy right now. I started a blog (go ahead and moan) on blogspot. I always have these awesome links and videos to show to people but I never really feel like individually picking everyone out. The layout is incredibly boring at the moment (and if there's anyone who wants to be all creative and change that, hit me up!) but I'm going to try my best to make the content interesting. Chances are, if you're reading this, I have you in mind for at least one of the videos I post every day and I'd love for your support and any comments (fucking annihilate me if you want to!) on what you think. I still have this journal, but I'm gonna make it for personal posts only. Love you all!
Powered by ScribeFire.
|
|
| I'm not one to get all political usually, but... |
[02 Nov 2007|03:23pm] |
globeandmail.com: Spilling the beans on soy
This article is very interesting. Next time a vegetarian gives me some speech to try and convert me (totally not talking about Steph. Picture more of a hipster from the village in NYC) I think I'll just pass this along to them. Here are some statistics from the link above.
27,200
Amount in square kilometres (an area about the size of Belgium) of
Amazon rainforest cleared for monoculture soybean farming between
August, 2003, and August, 2004. Three-quarters of this destruction was
illegal.
75 to 89
Percentage of soybeans grown
in North America that are genetically modified. Even if you are
actively avoiding GM foods, GM soy is present in approximately 60 per
cent of processed foods - usually as filler or oil. Neither Canada nor
the United States requires any safety testing on GM food products,
despite findings of toxicity and cancer-promoting properties.
115
Celsius temperature to which soy beans are heated in the production
of commercial soy milk in an attempt to remove trypsin inhibitors (they
interfere with protein digestion and have been linked to pancreatic
disorders), but the phytate content remains largely intact. (Phytates
block the absorption of essential minerals such as calcium, magnesium,
iron and especially zinc in the intestinal tract.)
5
The equivalent number of birth-control pills a day that babies fed
exclusively on soy formula would be consuming, according to a British
toxicologist's calculations. (Components of soy called isoflavones
produce estrogen-like effects in the body, and as a result are
sometimes called phytoestrogens.) Thirty to 40 per cent of babies in
the United States are fed soy formula.
Powered by ScribeFire.
|
|
| My Email to This American Life |
[13 Sep 2007|05:06pm] |
I listen to this show all day every day. Ira Glass is my hero. It's an PRI show that also is available in audiobook form and I just can't get enough. It would be a dream of mine to get on this show so I wrote them a letter because I think a great theme would be internet relationships. It's this underground world that most people don't even want to talk about and I have a success story. So voila...I don't expect to get anything out of it, but at the same time I still think it's a damn good email.
There are way too many episodes of "To Catch a Predator" on TV. The moment you say "I met this guy on the internet" you're looked at with disgust and pity. Like, "Aw poor thing, she can't meet anyone in real life!" It doesn't matter how happy you are, it just matters that you didn't go to a bar and follow a cookie cutter tradition of meeting someone at a club or a bar who probably has the original intention of getting into your pants. But more on that later, I don't want to sound bitter when this is a happy story. Some positive reinforcement needs to be shared with the world that the internet is not evil, especially now in a world where YouTube is hosting political debates.
I have been mulling over and over on how to write the perfect email to This American Life, which has been one of my biggest exposures to the world at large at a time where I'm transitioning into adulthood. I'm one who enjoys writing, but does not claim to be a writer in any sense of the word, so excuse my lack of professionalism. I feel like I'm a part of TAL now, and I can show my true self and just share my open thoughts without feeling the pressure of creating the perfect essay or story. So here it is, and I'll do my best to keep it as brief as possible:
We met on a website for a podcast called Geekdrome (it no longer exists) through the forums and chat room. He was Super_Jesus (his real name is KP) and I was Buxomia (I'm Jenny). He lived in Oregon , I lived in NYC. He was 25, I was 19. He was a west coast libertarian who grew up in the slums of Sacramento and I was a Connecticut Catholic girl who lived the most sheltered life possible. We both loved Star Wars and obscure pop culture references, and could make each other laugh all day long. At the beginning of our relationship, this was the only leg we had to stand on, and on paper, we didn't make sense at all.
We met during the most difficult period of my life where I was a typical lost 19 year old. He was one of the few people who truly accepted me and saw who I really was. He was there to listen to all my stories of how much it sucks to be a fish out of water in NYC and my disastrous dating experiences. After about 3 months of talking every day on AIM, we both got Skype, which is a free PC to PC calling service with webcam capabilities. I saw him and heard his voice and I was instantly hooked. We had an ongoing "date" every night at 10 and we would talk for hours, sometimes until the sun came up. I shared with him my deepest secrets and desires and just had this overwhelming sense of trust in him.
In December we became official and stopped dating other people. We were in love, which was very easy for him, but difficult for me to grasp. How could I possibly be in love with someone I had never met? It didn't help that whoever I tried to talk to about our situation gave me the same reaction: excitement that I was happy but an underlying terror that I was going to be abducted and murdered. I received lecture after lecture on how I had no idea how I could feel without meeting this person and it wasn't going to work out and long distance relationships never work. I hate to admit that I completely caved in. My insecurities and doubts became a nightly ritual where I would literally abuse KP with nothing but negativity until we broke up in February. We were apart for two weeks where I tried dating some other people, but I quickly realized that it didn't matter what anyone's thoughts were: they were wrong. I knew they were wrong because they couldn't see us interacting and how much we truly loved each other. After a very difficult month, we were back together and have been ever since. The long distance is difficult, sometimes close to unbearable, but we make it work with our routine and respect for each other.
On Labor Day Weekend, my parents and I flew to Oregon and stayed with him. It was the best weekend of my life. The biggest problem in being in a relationship where you've never met the person, or, for that matter, seen him in any format besides sitting on his desk chair in front of a computer with his ratty house clothes on, is that all these fears that the chemistry won't be there in person just appear. Luckily that wasn't the case and we're very happy. He will stay with me during January and then we will make plans to live together and get married. Now that we've been together for a while and everyone can see how truly happy I am, our relationship is validated. I don't want to say that acceptance from others is extremely important to me, but it definitely does make me feel better. We won't be a statistic that long distance relationships usually are, because we have a foundation that's unbreakable. I think this is largely because we met on the internet and had so much time to get to know each other without politics or intimacy issues coming into place. By the time we could be physically together, we had already known all our idiosyncrasies and could just be ourselves and relax. I don't know if we would be this strong of a couple if we hadn't met in the way we did.
Okay, so that wasn't that brief, although I did try! I know our story’s just beginning, but I still think it’s worth sharing, even if it’s just to the few people that read this email. Thank you so much for your time, and I can’t tell you how much the show means to me and what joy it brings into my life on a daily basis. Ira Glass, Sarah Vowell, and David Sedaris are now people I will actively seek out in book stores and performance halls, and I have TAL to thank for that.
|
|
|
[11 Sep 2007|09:50pm] |
So here is the entry I don't expect anyone but myself to find any interest in. Last weekend I spent at my KP's house and it was the most amazing experience ever. Nothing could have solidified our relationship more and I couldn't be more sure of who I want to spend the rest of my life with. We made a whole bunch of stupid videos, and I want to post them on here for any time I'm missing him and just need to be reminded of why we're so great together. I'm putting two videos on here:the first one is pretty much just he and I being ourselves and hanging out watching tv. The second one is the first few moments we got to be together so it's extremely lovey dovey (and gets a bit racy, oh snap!) They're both pretty crappy quality as my camera loves to go in and out of focus. It's retarded. But...This is true love right here, and honestly, there's no better feeling in the world.
|
|
|
[18 Aug 2007|09:41pm] |
9 days until I'm with the love of my life.
That's insane, it's taking forever to get here!
|
|
|
[01 Aug 2007|06:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
So it feels as if lately my life has been one hospital trip to another. I'm on so many fucking drugs right now I actually wasn't sure last night if I'd wake up. What a fun feeling that is. Anyway, I'm halfway through season one of smallville, and I only stopped cause I ran out of discs. I'm madly in love. I already expected the episodic formula and cheesiness of season one so I can just take it as it is and really enjoy it. I never have been a big Superman fan, but this just might turn me around.
KP was a jerk this morning and made me cry. Such is love. I fell for a jackass who sometimes doesn't understand the difference between joke time and serious time. I'll have him trained soon though. Four weeks to the day until we get together. You know what's funny? All we want is to be together, yet, in a way, that weekend we'll have is gonna be a serious test on whether or not we can make it. Neither of us is worried, I just like to think of every possible scenario. To Catch a Predator will do that to you. Wow....these drugs make me honest. Anyway, I love him and he loves me. We can take anything.
Yesterday the oral surgeon cut a whole piece of tissue off my gum, and he kept playing with it in its tray until I couldn't see it as a piece of me anymore. It looked just like regular raw meat. And we think we're the superior species. I don't know if that just made any sense, but it did up in the ol noggin.
Now I am off to watch 13 Tzametti, which I was excited about until I realized I have to read subtitles. Can't dub now that it's 2007? Hmm? Thanks France. No wonder we hate you (yoke, I make a yoke)
|
|
|
[31 Jul 2007|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
So today I had gum surgery and bone recontouring, all of which I was awake for. The novocaine still hasn't worn off which makes eating impossible. But this will hopefully help my jaw and gum situation and I get the next few days off from work. What does that mean? NETFLIX BEBE! I ordered a documentary with all the best horror directors of the 70s and 80s talking about where their concepts came from. George A Romero called zombies blue collar monsters, which I think is brilliant. The comparisons between politics and the scary films have made me appreciate these films I'd barely even pay attention to. Wes Craven called horror films a boot camp for children's psyche. Kids going to scary movies is equivalent to the second soldier's go from their mom's arms to the face of a drill sargeant, and you're scared shitless but you know you can make it. I never thought of it that way, but that's amazing.
I'm gonna watch the first season of smallville after this, in hopes that I'll catch on to what everyone else is so crazy about. I'm also going to be very very high for the rest of the week thanks to weed and codine. Good times. I'm sure that means I will write many a forgotten post rambling the goings on in my head. I really wanna eat.
Oh...okay so KP tells me that when I get to his house, he'll give me this present that should prove once and for all that he's not going anywhere. What could that possibly be? What was the first thought that popped into your head? Mine too. No clue what that means but man is it gettin me a thinkin!
|
|
|
[18 Jul 2007|05:30pm] |
Jealous?
|
|
|
[18 Jul 2007|01:55pm] |
Day three of this heart debacle and I'm feeling a lot better. Bruises are all over my arms and I'm still in a lot of pain, but I don't feel like I'm dying anymore which is good news.
Tonight I confront my dad about spending the weekend with KP. Not that I'm worried he won't let me go, but he needs to know that I'll be spending nights at his place. We gonna have so much sexy time! Both of us were crying last night because of how much all this hard work has paid off.
He also wants to get my name tattooed over his heart. How sweet is that? Ah, love.
So in other news: my future. Having a near heart attack sort of makes you re-evaluate your priorities in life. I was trying to do everything at once: full time job, apply for a permanent position, help my boyfriend through his crisis, and then he added the uber excitement of me coming to visit. This is what pushed me over the edge and caused my little emergency. So I've changed my plans a bit. I'm pushing Austin off for a while. I don't know how long. All I know is that right now my priority is building a career and a home for KP and I. I want KP to be here by my 21st birthday, and then we can find a place in Austin together. My parents know these plans, and they fully support him coming to live with us. I feel so adult!
I'm sure I'll update more as life goes on. But today I'm applying to a bunch of permanent positions within Aetna and then I'll contact the temp agency to find me opportunities with other companies.
Thank you guys for all your thoughts and prayers. This week has been pretty much a blur and I need all the support I can get. I love you guys!
|
|
|
[17 Jul 2007|05:40pm] |
Okay day 2 of being in the hospital. There are track marks all up and down my arms like some heroin addict, and I have so many drugs in my system I just may become a heroin addict to keep this high goin.
I don't remember much about today or yesterday. All I know is that my sternum has a strained muscle, which probably happened in my sleep. This created a difficult breathing situation yesterday which caused the chest pains which caused an anxiety attack. But if I keep takin this beautiful vicodin, things will be all right. I'm feeling a lot better anyway.
It's less than a month before I get to spend time with my baby. I guarantee every post will have a countdown of some sort on it. WHOO HOO!
|
|
| Yesterday |
[17 Jul 2007|08:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
high |
] |
Wow. I don't know where to begin. I'm extremely drugged up right now and have barely any recollection of the last 24 hours. But here goes.
I spent yesterday in the hospital. I was driving to work when my heart started to hurt. It felt like heartburn at first but then it became more and more intense to the point where I was having trouble breathing. So I called 911. They thought I was having a heart attack. They put IV's in me, drugged me with morphine and all these other pain killers and I spent the rest of the day catatonic in a hospital room. All my heart tests came back excellent so they think it's a gastro intestinal thing. I'm going to see a specialist today. This was quite a scary experience. I wish I could say more but I seriously can't tell what was a dream and what was real.
KP thinks it was a panic attack. This makes sense cause of the shocking news. We set a date by the way. I'll be in Oregon the last weekend of August. WHOO HOO!
|
|
|
[16 Jul 2007|10:35pm] |
|
Today I had to go to the hospital. It was some pretty severe chest pain and I had a difficult breathing. Now I'm ona cocktail of vicoden, a muscle relaxsnt and ambien. I am all sorts of fucked up. But hey, in about amonth from now I will be with my baby so what could possibly go wrong?
|
|
|
[16 Jul 2007|07:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ecstatic |
] |
I could not make more of a 180 than I have these past two days. That super long rant about KP was absolutely useless.
He's almost ready. Very very soon I'll be able to go over and visit him. Like, a matter of weeks. This is HUGE. As soon as he's ready I'm hopping on a plane to get my ass over there.
I'm still in this weird state of shock. I did not expect him to say that at all, what with his current situation and all. His mom keeps bugging him about meeting me and he can't stop thinking about how much he wants to be with me. I don't think I believe it yet. When we set a date, I don't know how I'm gonna contain myself. All that hard work is paying off and I get to be with the love of my life.
Now I'm nervous. Will I be everything he thinks I am? We skyped last night and he kept saying "I get to have sex with you!" and now I'm worried about my performance. Craziness!!!!!
I can't wait now. July needs to get over with so I can be with my baby!
|
|
| Life is Funny |
[15 Jul 2007|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
You know that ranting post? Forget it.
I just got the greatest news I could possibly get. KP....is ready for me to come see him in Oregon! We're gonna be together by next month!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| The oddest thing happened yesterday at work |
[14 Jul 2007|09:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Harvey Birdman attorney at lawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww |
] |
So at Aetna where I work, my job consists mainly of inputting claims from spreadsheets into their system. A monkey job basically. Well yesterday at work, I put in two names that made me stare at the page for a long time.
[IMG]http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y264/OperaticIndie/IMG00051legal.jpg[/IMG]
Tyler and his space monkeys have finally accomplished project mayhem!!!!!<input ... >
Hey, anyone that believes in any sort of deitey. I need prayers, good thoughts, wishes, whatever you can give for my boyfriend, KP. Name something that can go wrong, and he'll give you 8 examples of how that's happened to him in the last month. It seems like when it can't get any worse, something worse happens. This man has nothing and has asked for nothing, he deserves a break. He has love but I think he needs something stronger than that.
Life is good on my end. I'm the lucky one.
|
|
|
[24 Jun 2007|08:48am] |
I'm exhausted from the longest trip ever and don't have much to say but I must share this.
Yesterday.....I was in Scranton, PA
Jealous?
|
|
|
[21 Jun 2007|07:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
Okay so I've never actually recorded this in my journal. I've been pretty vague about it because in the past I have talked about relationships way too much and blown them very much out of proportion. I've been overemphatic so many times that many people don't believe me when I say I have found The One. But it needs to be said because I am so in love I want to burst at the seams. This man changed my life. He came out of nowhere, blew my mind, and gave me a future. So, just for the record, here's our story...
Back in November my "relationship" with Randy was ending and I was miserable because of how crazy I was about him. But I had met this guy known as Super_Jesus on Geekdrome, which was a site/show online about geeky stuff like video games, movies and comics. We met in the IRC chat and hit it off. Then we started talking on AIM and getting really close. He made me laugh constantly and was so easy to talk to. Now, I'll admit, I was not into him when we first met. The only pictures I had seen of him were on his myspace and....to put it lightly...they were not flattering. They were all of him drunk with a huge ass beard and a stupid look on his face. He looked like a mess and I figured that was awesome cause then I wouldn't fall for him (how wrong was I) and I had a real friend. We then started to Skype, which is a program that does free PC to PC calling and it has webcam capabilities. He only had a mic even though I had a cam and we started talking more and more. We'd talk for 3, 4, 5, 6 hours a night about anything and everything. I'd come home from dates and complain about what douche bags the guys were. He'd tell me they were crazy cause I was a "cutie pie" and we'd discuss star wars, how dumb I am, west coast vs east coast, and anything else you can possibly think of. So the crush developed. His personality enveloped me. His voice soothed me. He was addicting and I couldn't get enough of him. Then one day, he got a webcam and everything changed. He was absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful face, hot body, perfect smile, warm eyes and the cutest little nose I have ever seen. I think that's the day I fell in love with him.
So at this point it's December and I've stopped dating other guys (December 4th is our "official" anniversary date). I was SUPER anxious and self concious and scared as all hell to get into something serious with KP (his real name btw) because of what happened with Randy, who just disappeared after I had given him all I had. The more I fell for KP, the more I pushed him away. We said our I love yous in three weeks and I had never felt this strongly about someone. I had never felt so connected and, to be honest, vulnerable to someone. He was ideal. Everything I had ever dreamed of. So it had to be too good to be true and I pushed. And I pushed. And then when I was supposed to stop pushing, I pushed full force. We got into some of the most emotional nights I have ever been through. I was so conflicted because I didn't realize all the mental and emotional conditions I had. I thought I was normal and just wasn't handling my situation correctly. I constantly wanted to sleep with other people so I could have some sort of connection and I was lonely and anxious all the time. It didn't matter what he did or said either. He would tell me he loved me and would always be around but I just refused to believe him because I was so afraid. He finally got fed up. We broke up (my fault and my doing) on Valentine's Day. He had just found out his mother's cancer had returned as well (she's much better now) so I sufficiently made that the worst day of his life. He hated me and he made it very clear to tell me so. That and to never speak to him again. For two weeks, I was empty, numb. I felt like my heart was dead. Then, just as I'm about to email him to try and talk to him, he's emailed me first. He told me he loved me still but didn't think he could trust me ever again.
We spent the next month talking things out and being brutally honest about how I had to stop denying I needed help. He gave me an ultimatum. Get help and get him, or be miserable and alone. It wasn't a difficult decision. I immediately got a psychiatrist and it turned out I'm all kinds of fucked up. I have, and let's see if I remember it all: OCD, separation anxiety, social anxiety, general depression and ADHD. I feel like I'm missing one. Oh! Agoraphobia. Which reminds me. The whole reason why KP and I aren't physically together. He has agoraphobia as well, even though it's MUCH more severe than my case. His condition makes it nearly impossible for him to enjoy time out of his home. This is the only reason why he hasn't jumped on a plane and moved in with me yet. In fact, he's been getting help since we started dating, but we still don't know when we'll get to be together. That's what made me go crazy back in February.
So I was prescribed prozac and a stimulant and good God was it the greatest weight off my shoulders. I went to visit my bestest friend Stephanie in Austin, and fell in love with that city. I'll be living there soon enough!!! I'm completely committed to KP and getting myself better and we just get stronger and stronger. It's still really difficult sometimes with the distance and our fucked up brains, but we are truly, deeply, madly in love. He can't wait to marry me, I can't wait to marry him, and we're gonna have a wonderful life together. I have never been so sure of something in all my life. He lets me be myself, no matter how terrible I may get, and he's never betrayed my trust. We still skype every night for at least a couple of hours and there's times that I look at him and I literally don't think I can handle the love that's in my heart. If I think about my love for him for too long, it's too much and I get emotional. I've never experienced that before. Another thing I haven't experienced in a relationship? Selflessness. I was very selfish in my past relationships and unwilling to change a thing about myself. KP has complimented the good and challeneged the bad. Seeing him smile or laugh because of me is the greatest gift he can possibly give me. He's real, he's sincere, and he's the love of my life.
I think that's about enough gushing for one entry. I just love my baby!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
weirdskaphreak's journal